Moms in waiting: One Question To Never Ask

Moms in waiting: one question to never ask
Moms in waiting: One question to never ask

She might be a newly wed or even ‘old’ in the ‘game’ but one question I believe we would do well never to ask moms in waiting is:

‘What are you still waiting for?’

Yeah…for now, I want to ‘enjoy’ life to the fullest without the undesirable-peace-robbing-encumbrances aka children but when we are ready, I’ll let you know so you can subscribe to daily twitter feeds of happenings in my uterus..

Or

‘E se kiakia o’ (*be fast about it*)

Sure..we’ll be super-fast so as so bear children before it goes out of fashion and gets banned..maybe we’ll just ‘enter’ the Guinness book of records for that..

or

‘In 9 month’s time, we want to come eat jollof rice at your place’

Yeah…even though you’ve not finished ingesting and digesting what you just ate, we’d definitely invite you over to wine and dine some more when the time is ripe…

Tongue in cheek responses to the same question presented in different ways. Those are the typical words ‘we’ often tout around, sometimes with all seriousness, and sometimes in jest.

I love weddings but it seems the ‘Pressure Pack’ bares their loving fangs immediately after the bridal dance.

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Knowing glances / winks at what comes ‘tonight’. Pointed questions after 1 or 2 months of wedlock (I got those questions too). Searching glances trying to discern the stage of the ‘bump’ while wondering why it is not showing yet.

Might be true that these are sometimes borne out of real concerns and love but those words uttered sometimes in love are intrusive, bothering on insensitivity and does nothing than to send the worry gauge shooting past the reasonable limit.

Especially if the ‘waiting’ is not by design but rather ‘forced’ by circumstances or medical issues.

Lovingly showing concerns is not out of place but the words are better carefully chosen for it not to be ‘counter-productive’.

Silence indeed becomes golden barring any tactical way to show concern or support.

If I have to share some of the outrightly insensitive words I have heard spoken, you’d marvel and if the roles be reversed, I doubt the ability of many people to handle the pressure of ‘waiting’ well.

Like telling a (waiting) friend to devote some time from seeking after ‘stylish’ / ‘exhibitory’ living to children-seeking is akin to yanking the scab off a wound.

Moms in waiting: looking good isn't a crime

It really is a punishable offence under the laws of the land to not have a child and yet be so unsad and stylish…?

Or telling moms in waiting that they are not doing enough in ‘seeking help’ and they are just contented being childless. Forget that this particular contented-non-seeking-help mom in waiting’s husband is a medical practitioner.

For real?

I say think that is very insensitive.

Talk about trying to understand how a size 42 shoe size fits, in my size 39 heels!

We never truly know how it feels until we are there.

We never really understand the pain until we are bitten and beaten.

For all we know, that friend might be wetting her pillow with gut-wrenching tears, praying night after night and still manages to get up in the morning, smiling and masking the frustration and pain in her stylish wears.

And for all we know, they might have tried several options and undergone many invasive and painful procedures in their seeking.

We would never know.

All I am saying is that newly-weds and women TTC should be ‘freed’ to live / enjoy their lives without the added pressure of scrutinizing gazes and intrusive queries delivered insensitively. They should be spared the added heartache of having to lay their pains bear for all to see.

Children are the heritage of the Lord and fruits of the womb are the rewards but sometimes…life sucks. Certain things rarely go as planned, the rewards may not be ‘swiftly’ delivered according to our desires.

Delayed rewards isn’t the same as denied rewards.

Asking those questions do nothing more than rub in the pain for those whom conception is not just happening for regardless of everything.

It also seems to project having {biological} children as the only validation for the married state.

The least, which coincidentally is the best we can do is to PRAY for them. And they do not even have to know this.

We would do well to ease up on the pressure, back off and instead start backing them up in prayers and soothing words of encouragement if needed.

So when next you see radiant moms in waiting with brightly colored lips in her high heels and you feel the need to ask ‘what are you still waiting for?‘, pray, bite gently on your tongue…and say instead:

You really look gorgeous…

Let us be the songs that make them strong.

Remember, they are moms…the babies are just not here yet.

 

 

 

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Biola Leye

Wife, mother, writer, leader, entrepreneur and lover of all things good.

4 thoughts on “Moms in waiting: One Question To Never Ask

  • March 18, 2016 at 6:26 am
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    You know Abiola, I am guilty of this. .. mine is, when are we coming to chop jollof rice … later, when I know they are TTC, I feel bad and silently pray for them. Hence, I don’t ask any lady about kids unless they mention it. Btw, why do we always think it is the women fault sef? The society has brainwashed us to think that way…until the man acknowledges to his family and friends he is at fault, all questions and advice is for the woman only!

    It is every couples desire (if I am not wrong ) to have a child of their own but if all efforts fail, adoption should be the next step IF the couple both agree…which is another obstacle because adoption in Nigeria is still a sensitive topic. Some men are totally against it! Rather they will want to proof to the society that it’s no fault of theirs by getting another lady pregnant! Hence, we continue to be our own worst enemies!

    It is well. None shall be barren in the land saith the Lord our creator! I pray everyday couple will hear the cry of babies in their homes. Amen.

    Reply
  • March 25, 2016 at 3:35 pm
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    Beautifully written. We should never judge and must watch what we say. You never know when you’re going to upset someone.

    Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo

    Reply
  • April 15, 2016 at 12:46 pm
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    That’s what they say. You can never know what battles and struggles other people are facing behind the scene that you can’t see, and so you shouldn’t speak as if you do or judge them for the personal life choices they make. Some people don’t -want- children, for some people children do not bring joy and that is their choice to make. We shouldn’t make anyone feel bad about their choices be it from personal preference or hidden struggles with trying.

    If I am ever speaking to female friends about children and I am curious about this topic I try to ask in a sincere and open way and let them provide what answer and details they are comfortable with rather than using light-hearted and well-meant comments that presume or lean on a certain angle and could make them feel ashamed or guilty for that not being the case.

    Great post, thanks for sharing!

    Katie, hopping over from #PicknMix

    Reply
    • April 18, 2016 at 5:00 am
      Permalink

      It’s so difficult for some people (particularly in this part of the world) to comprehend the fact that having children might not be everybody’s dream after all.
      On both sides of the divide, it’s still insensitive to blurt out whatever comes to our mind without thinking it through first or putting ourselves in the other’s shoe.

      Thanks for visiting, Katie.

      Reply

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